BIG SUM

WOW!

Now, I know what you are all thinking.

"Maaaan, why are you so interested in some tabloid shit? I thought you were better than that..."

Oh, sweet sassy molassee, you were so INCREDIBLY wrong! I'll be the first to admit that I love reading tabloid shit. It's fantastic! I think most people read about stuff like this because they're enamoured by the whole notion of being famous and place these individuals on pedastals and whatnot

But I think there are people out there who just enjoy seeing other people fall on their asses. Anyone who says public humiliation isn't funny is a racist! And the larger the audience that can see you slip up, the funnier! I mean, think about it. If I slip on a banana peel in class, that's pretty funny, but if I slip on a banana peel at my baptism, well that's just HI-larious.

Aside from playing sports, rockin' out and whatnot, a celebrity's job is to essentially display a certain persona for the public 24/7. And if you do something stupid, EVERYONE is gonna know! Oh the shame! It's so wickedly delectable! Yeah maybe it's hard to be on point all the time, but that's why you're gettin' paid big money!

So when I first heard about the Edison scandal, my immediate reaction was, "WOOT WOOT! THIS IS THE MOST FANTASTIC THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!" And Boy, what a treat!

Think about it!
1) What kind of man uses a PINK Laptop?!
2) Are celebrities so stupid that they would leave sensitive material on their computer.
3) Will Edison lose his hand to the HK triad?

Now admittedly, a large percentage of the fun comes from the fact that as sleazy and stupid as this whole thing is, I look over the list that Edison has bedded and I'm left completly speechless. I mean, take a look!!!

"The naughty pictures included Bobo Chan Man, Cecilia Cheung Pak Chi, , Gillian Chung Yun-Tung, Joey Yung, Yu Chiu, Vincy Yeung, Yumiko Cheng, Mandy Chen, Rachel Ngan, Candice Chan, Jolin Tsai, Maggie Q, and some say even Japanese star Chiaki Kuriyama, and possibly more."

HOLY SHIT! Go-motherfucking-go Yubari too?! Are you kidding me?! Edison has pretty much been with the who's who of tasty hotness in HK and beyond! Madness!

Madness?

THIS!
IS!
SPARTA!

Okay, I'm not going to go on further. If you don't know the faces, just Google them or something.

See, here's the thing about sex scandals in Hollywood. The ladies are PUG-FUGLY! I don't EVER want to see Brittney's roach infested pooter. I don't! But some of the girls on the list make their money by pretending to be cute and innocent.

And it's pretty hard to be cute and innocent with a penis in your mouth.

BA-ZING!

Now I know there's a serious side to it all. Celebrities trying to kill themselves, families breaking up, careers crumbling. And I suppose I should feel bad on some level.

But I don't.

The way I see it, celebrities exist on this planet for the sole purpose of keeping me amused.

Mission accomplished!

-Hitoshi "AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Murakami